Over-break logic.

Fact:
This break, the only time food made me feel sick was Thanksgiving. Then, it was because I was extremely full.

Fact:
I do not have a weak stomach, nor am I picky.

Fact:
All food does not make me sick, only Wege cafeteria food, and Corner Cafe food.

Statement:
In consideration of above facts, I do not want to eat food that makes me sick.

Resolution:
I will no longer eat the food that makes me sick, i.e., the food provided by Wege Cafeteria and the Corner Cafe.

Issue:
Wege cafeteria and the Corner Cafe are generally my only options for dining, because I have a limited amount of expendable income.

Conclusion:
Therefore, I will only eat the food at Wege cafeteria and the Corner Cafe that I deem safe and healthy for consumption. I will not eat food I expect to make me sick.

run on.

I am happy
and I'm tired although I thought I got enough sleep
and I want to take a nap
and I am happy
and I know that it is because I got to dance last night
and I should do that more often
and also I had a car
and that made me happy
and we broke the door
and the door is tied shut with yellow rope
and it's alright, I think it's alright
and I don't think it will be a big deal
and I am happy.

November 9th. thoughts.

I have the need to share everything about myself
Every thought
Emotion
Physical sensation

I want someone to know.
Even when I am writing,
I really want someone to read it.

I don’t want to just talk to myself
I need to communicate
I am willing to listen
But you need to listen to me, too.

Why am I so desperate for that?
For attention
It’s pretty fuckin pathetic
But I do not know how to change it

mmmmmmhmmm.

Restless from a life of fright—a fright of life—and feeling light, she lights a cigarette, at the pause of a stoplight.

I feel very strange lately. I know this is transitory, but as always, I am wrapped up in now. There is no future for me, only this moment, and what has led me to this moment.

Life is not a pleasure, only a necessity. The bright times plus the ugly ones do not add up to the sum of a whole—there is a hole.

4:42 in the morning. Sunday.

The brain is filled with gaps as if ecstasy really did eat holes in it
Snap crackle & pop
I should focus
I should start working on my projects but
Now at 4:42 in the morning on Sunday it just seems so futile
Strange thoughts… I just, for some reason, missed Adam. Probably because at this point I’m idealizing his memory and I have pretty much forgotten the searing psychological pain he caused me.
I wonder what Joel is writing about.
I wonder what Joel is writing about.
It occurs to me that so much of my life is based on fear
Fear that I won’t survive long enough to do what I want to do
Fear that people won’t like or accept or listen to my words or care
That’s what’s really getting me right now
People not listening
I listen
I always listen
Listening is so important especially after fight club how they spoke about people really listening, not just waiting for their turn to speak
After I read that book and saw that movie and heard and read the words I strove to really listen, to really care, to give my friends and the people around me true attention
Lately I’ve been straying from that and I am disappointed in myself
Ever since I realized that a lot of the time no one listens to me I have caught myself not listening
Or listening and not comprehending or paying attention
It disgusts me.
I am so disappointed that my friends don’t listen to me though a lot of the time.
I know I talk kind of a lot
But I mean it’s a basic human need to be heard
And maybe if someone tries to understand it’s really nice
And if someone does understand it’s even nicer

“it's interesting how your words change me
and
how this music makes me tap my foot
i will always remember that”
thank you, Frank

11-11-2008

So many sounds under the electric lamps here at eleven thirty
Doors opening and closing
Guitars shouting out
Mechanical humming of the heating system
Cars ripping by
& disjointed sounds of speech and laughter, too far off to define

I don’t fabricate I describe
I would like to learn how to do both simultaneously
Write meaningful lies & truth

I wish the sky was not so dull
Gray-pink-brown and starless
Light pollution is a bitch(!)

11-10-2008

Well it is nice to have some alone time finally
I was getting a bit overwhelmed though I didn’t realize it
At least I had the sense to come outdoors
Though it’s cold
The air is clear and still and I can think

If I live too long, I'm afraid I'll die.

Have you ever noticed that the majority of songs either have gorgeous musical qualities and shit for lyrics, or beautiful, insightful lyrics, paired with substandard music?

Tonight was a strange one, indeed.
The snow defined my mood. It created a overwhelming sense of euphoria in me which still has not dissolved.
My faith in my friendships is stronger than ever.
I planned to sleep, but then, when I got to my room at 4:30 a.m., time passed more quickly than I thought it would. By the time I had time to go to bed, the time was almost 6:00 a.m., and time had run out for me to sleep.
Instead, I hung more pieces of magazines around my room.
Now, in addition to,
-Marc Jacobs boys in trendy dresses,
-Woody Allen looking pensive,
-an Andy Warhol exhibit advertisement,
-Hlep Kdis Raed,
-a man on an old bicycle, the kind with the huge wheel and the tiny wheel,
-a rainbow girl,
-Cig Smoke For OBAMA,
-and a U DECIDE poster,
my walls are hung with,
-a Hunter S. Thompson biography advertisement,
-a Ralph Lauren suit model,
-a man seated outside a blue hair salon,
-a Swedish Fish advertisement I found particularly clever,
-The Clash,
-a girl and a boy in a van,
-Indian artwork,
-and a hand-drawn picture of a man with two bloody knives, surrounded by his victims.
Immediately following the decoration festival, I walked to Family Fare to purchase some groceries.
A man stopped his car as I walked and offered me a ride. I politely declined. He offered again. I declined again. A third time, he offered; a third time, I declined, maintaining a relaxed and polite tone. Finally, I convinced him. I wonder at his intentions. His very young son was in the car, and he seemed to be an honest man, but you never know. Was he a good person? I have never developed any skill that allows me to perceive people for who they are based on first impressions. Our society is so largely based on self-sufficiency and mistrust of strangers, that we have no reason to develop such skills. We simply stay safe, and alone.

I miss last fall and winter.

The time here passes too quickly.
I have been enjoying it, but the thing is, I really don't have anyone exactly like my friends at home.
I have close friends here. People I can talk to. People I can be with.
However, they are nothing like my really close friends at home.
I don't get individual time with anyone here. And I really miss that aspect of my life in LO. That kind of relationship is so valuable to me, I wish I had it here.
I miss being serious.
Goal: start getting really close with people. Relating and discussing more, not just goofing around.

some boys i hang out with just were making jokes about people killing themselves
& i told them not to, they just kept on fucking laughing & it's not even funny and they don't even fucking understand how many kids at my school last year died either by killing themselves or otherwise & they don't know how hard it was to deal even though i hardly knew anyone that had died & now i am about to fucking cry in front of everyone, im going to have a cigarette.

autumn thought.

Frigid hearts & minds have wet dreams about those hearts & minds & things which they imagine they can never possess. Place themselves in attaché cases with locks. What they don’t know is these locks and cases are fabrications, emaciations of the human spirit. Newest trend is to be alone rather than seek warmth in companionship. People need people, but people often do not realize the necessity of people; it is easier to hide from the self when alone. No new perspectives to cloud & confuse & maybe galvanize change. Rather use falling leaves & flakes & pikes as a hiding place than to squint through falling leaves & flakes & piles at the who’s and what’s of surroundings. Don’t you know that you can be just as disillusioned by your own thoughts as someone else’s? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder & it works for ugliness too & I do not need to explain myself.

today is good.

I got everything I needed to accomplished.
I have a new Ipod now, his name is Quentin.
I miss Mona, my old one, but Quentin works, so I like him too.
I feel so relaxed,
so open.
New perspectives, perspectives that have been within my mind for years but are just now being unearthed.
Excellent company.
Good day.

This is too much.

This is one of those situations where "the grass always seems greener on the other side of the hill."
When I am at home, I miss everyone at AQ.
When I am at school, I miss everyone in LO Town.
Oh, man.